Trompe L'Oeil #
Background #
Back when I was recording Sage & Silver Bullets, I sent my producer, Bright Kelly, a bunch of demos I was thinking of including on the record. He recently found those files and sent them to me; amongst them was this song, a surprisingly catchy, but depressing, tune about self-realization and esteem.
I don’t necessarily think of myself this way anymore; some things are still relevant, sure, but I try to be kinder to myself about my trauma nowadays. I wasn’t faking being anxious or ill, but I was a product of the habits I had built as a child.
Unfortunately, this song didn’t make it to the record and was lost to time until now; thank you, Bright, for sending these back to me! I hope to include this in my rotation again, once I relearn the chords!
Lyrics #
Paying penance with my misery and waiting for my dreams to all come true
Wishing life into my fallacies and painting all my red confessions blue
It's the life I chose for me, a life I crafted with such tender care
I spent the last fifteen years pretending I had fear that wasn't there
Then the fear consumed me
The lies were all coming true to me
This trompe l'oeil of tragedy is but a callow cry for help
Played the damsel so damn long now I might save myself
By virtue of necessity, I tried to become righteous through my pain
If I hurt myself enough, then my baptism wouldn't be in vain
Father, please forgive me, your daughter has been faking for so long
Manipulating everyone so she had inspiration for her songs
But music was my master
I thrived on self-imposed disaster
This trompe l'oeil of tragedy is but a callow cry for help
Since day one I played a paragon, but I can't save myself
Can't save myself
You can't make art without a broken heart
You can't make art without a fundamental flaw
If you make art and you can still look your reflection in the eye
Is it even art at all?
You can't make art without a broken heart
You can't make art unless your life's a living hell
You can't make art if you still feel like that you might be doing fine
Well, that's what I told myself
And I am not a martyr
I am just a firestarter
This trompe l'oeil of tragedy is but a callow cry for help
Need everyone to love me, but I cannot stand myself
Can't stand myself
(x3)