Calm Down #

Background #

You know, I think this– that song… I don’t mean to be a downer… I mean, those of you who have been following my work for years know exactly who that song is about. And what it’s about. But it’s so interesting to me that so many people love that song. And so many people say, “Oh, it’s helped me get through this,” “It’s helped calm me down,” “It’s helped do this for me.” It’s helped people. Like, I get messages about that song, for sure. And I even had a conversation on Twitter about it, recently, with someone. About the meaning of it. And what it meant to people. And so… If you are easily triggered by talk of emotional abuse, feel free to click away. I won’t be upset.
…
So, um, that song was written… Originally that song was called Katie, Calm Down. And the reason it was called Katie, Calm Down is because the person that I was with, um, at that time refused to call me any pet names, aside from the ones that my family called me, which was a little weird. But he wouldn’t call me “babe” or “baby” because that was reserved for an official girlfriend. And we were together for three years, and, um, that song is about how … So, I was in this relationship with this dude, who like wouldn’t admit that we were together because I was ten years younger than him. And we were living together, and basically everyone had figured out we were together, but it was still a secret. … I wrote that song because of how he would talk to me, and he would say, “One day, we’ll be together.” And he would give me this lofty, “one day in the future when I matured enough, when I was truly grown,” then he would stop just having sex with me and start being in a real relationship with me. And I wrote that song because I was so… I mean… Being hidden, being in a relationship that you can’t admit you’re in… Being in a secret relationship with someone who you’re living with, who is also your talent manager, who controls a good portion of your life… Like… I wrote that song… Long before I finished it I wrote just the chorus. And then I ended up writing the verses after we had split up. That’s why I update the lyrics every year to say how long it’s been since we’re no longer together, because there are still moments in my head where I hear his opinion of me. And how his opinion of me has formed my life. And that song was written from such a place of, like, true trauma connected to my daddy issues and how he filled that place, and how I was just a fucked up person who needed to heal themselves. And I’m definitely working on that, and I’ve gotten far enough in my life that it doesn’t feel so close. … I wrote that song from a place of, like, real pain. And, um, we call him The Spider, or The Eight-Legged Ring Master, here in the Kate-riarchy, because I lived with him at the circus. Not a metaphor. I literally lived with him at the circus. Um, and, the place that it has in people’s lives is so different now. Um, the people who say they were calmed by it, I think it’s really representative of what I can do with my art, you know? Like, I can take my worst moments, and my darkest points in my life, and I can… I, um, I eventually got out of the relationship, obviously. Now I’m married to my husband, who’s good to me, and we have a business together and a life together and things. And I’ve built myself up, and I’ve built my life up. So I’m no longer in that dark place in the same way. But it’s hard for me to sing that song because I don’t… It brings me back to that place. It’s hard for me to not sing it and feel those things. And I’m trying very hard to see it the way you see it. To see that song through your eyes as the lullaby that it is… Has become for you. Because that is a much nicer way to think about that song, and I would rather play it and have you enjoy it and feel it that way. But I’m still not in a place, necessarily, where I can, um, I don’t know. I can’t detach it yet. It’s getting farther away, but I still feel like that nineteen year old girl listening to this dude fuck other women the floor below me in our house that we shared together. I feel like that girl when I sing it. And it’s why I don’t sing it very often. … It’s a tense song. The song is very much about this idea of a future that will never come. It’s “baby calm down, one day you’ll be mine, in time,” and he was infantilizing me in this like… And he would never call me “baby” because “baby” was reserved for real partners, and I was not a real partner. I was a secret. But that song is so, it’s so connected to him. It’s not like Spring Cleaning where I can be like, “Fuck you, Spider! Go to hell! Go to spider hell!” Calm Down is this soft and, like, small experience of me feeling, like, totally alone. And like no one could help me. I mean… I, I really do, I’m trying to heal in relation to that song. It’s hard because it’s so connected to my past and that time in my life. Um, the Spider is kinda getting squashed, actually. His life is not where I think he wants it to be. When we were together, we would produce shows together, and we had this lively artistic career together. I don’t think he produces that much anymore, outside of being a part of Theater Bizarre, which is why I can’t really go back there. … But I feel like I’ve definitely made strides since we were together. There are definitely parts of my life that I thought I was never going to be able to surpass the work that I made with him. Um, and there are definitely people who still remember me specifically from the work that I did with him. But also, like, I moved to Philadelphia and fucked his favorite wrestler, and now I’m married to that wrestler. It started as a relationship out of spite, but it’s genuinely, like, one of the– I mean, I love my husband so much. So, I’ve definitely moved past the situation. And now I’m in a much healthier marriage, with someone who admit that we are together. Like, that was one of the dealbreakers. I was like, “You have to admit that we are together in front of people and on the internet. That is a dealbreaker if you do not talk about me!” And I’m actually the first, um, partner that my husband ever spoke about online in relation to his career. So, um, yeah. I feel like it’s a cosmic, “fuck you.” I definitely… I definitely, like, did it originally out of spite, and then, like, I drove to Philadelphia like, (singing) “I’m gonna fuck Ophidian the Cobra and send The Spider to hell!” And then I showed up in Philadelphia, and Ophidian and I spent an entire week together, and I was like, “Whoops! Guess I’m in love with the snake man! Guess I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with this total insane person who is equally as insane as I am.” … It’s on my last record Sage and Silver Bullets. I called that record Sage and Silver Bullets because I felt like I was exorcising that relationship from me through the record. A lot of the record is about The Spider.

Lyrics #