S02E06 #

Lullaby Lounge: Angry Girl Music of the Indie/Rock Persuasion

Aired: 2020-07-28 Posted: 2020-08-09

So. This week’s part where I talk is a little bit of a story, not so much a– well, there’s a little bit of a message to it. We’ll see where it goes.
Um. So, back in the before times, um, back right around, right before I started, before I released my third record, idiot child., which some of you may have, and is available on Bandcamp and streaming platforms and everywhere if you would like to hear it. idiot child. is everywhere. Um, back before I was about to release idiot child., I was writing a lot of music, obviously, given I was about to release an album, and the partner I was with at the time was sort of involved in my career. We said he was my manager, really he was just kind of abusive and overbearing. Um, but, I was writing a lot of quiet, folky music that was quite sad, because, um, that dude was an abusive fuckhole and I was writing songs about our relationship, so a lot of it was really depressing. And he said to me, and I have internalized this wholly, he said to me, “I’m so excited for when you no longer write sad little girl music.” And I seriously took that to heart. I took to heart that I was writing music that was somehow lesser because it was very feminine and very emotion-driven. Um, I have always wanted to write music that you could dance to and write music that was upbeat, that you could play at a rock concert and people would celebrate with you. And… Fuck that dude, indeed. Um, it’s the Spider, so, that guy, we all know that dude’s a dickhead. No, um, no… Everyone knows that about the mythology, I believe. … So I just completely, like, that was a huge part of, um, just my idea of myself. That I was somehow– what I was making was not as good as, um, it could be. I wasn’t living up to my potential because of what I was writing, and I have, over the years, sort of come to terms with my sad little girl music. Because it’s what I write. Like, I write songs from the heart. I write songs that are from my insides, and sometimes I’m a sad little girl. And sometimes you just need to be a sad little girl, as I have said many times on the stream and off. It’s very important to feel your fucking feelings and I’ve realized that my “sad little girl music” opens a door that some people wouldn’t be able to access otherwise, because they too have internalized this idea that emotionality is bad, that emotionality makes you feminine and that makes you bad. And whilst sad little girl music used to be this sort of– I used to feel it was like a shroud that I couldn’t shake off, like I was holding myself back by being who I am? Which doesn’t make any sense. Um, obviously if I was being authentic to myself, then it’s what I should have been writing. And clearly that authenticity will– it resonates with you, with people, and I’ve learned that my sad little girl music, it has a serious and important place in music as a whole, which is that there is music that is for catharsis. And I feel so grateful that I have found the– my calling. And that I create and I play music that allows people to visit the more emotional side of themself, visit the more feminine side of themselves. … The sad little girl music is relatable to anyone who has been hurt. And I think it also reflects really poorly upon him that he had so little connection to his emotions and was so– had so little connection to what was happening between us, and like the reality of what was happening between us, that he couldn’t see what I was making, and he felt the need to infantilize it and demean it. I’m assuming as a way to control me, because what else would be the point of that, right? Like, there’s not really a point to telling your eighteen year old “girlfriend-not-a-girlfriend”, um, that her music is not as good as it could be, except to control her. … So I just– I wanted to talk to you about that, about how it’s important to, I don’t know, be true to yourself and to take the things that people say to try and demean you and use them as armor to go through the world. Because that’s really what I feel, like I’ve… I used to feel so upset with myself that I couldn’t make happier music or make more upbeat music. I don’t know, sometimes it gets upbeat more recently, um, at least more aggressive, and… And, uh, yeah. Just be who you are. Fuck the haters.

Setlist #

• Heartbreaker - Pat Benatar
• Take a Knee - Kate Nyx
• Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill
• Modern Dating - Kate Nyx
• I Hate Myself For Loving You - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
• City of Angels - The Distillers
• Celebrity Skin - Hole
• Pretend to Be Nice - Josie and the Pussycats